My Whiteness is Showing!

This Sunday at the UUFC, we began the uncomfortable discussion of white supremacy in our church. Our lay speakers were amazing, talking of their life experiences and growing up completely ignorant of the intrinsic and insidious influence of white privilege and white supremacist thought in their lives. It made me think back on my own life, my upbringing, and how my parents really did TRY to raise me to be non-racist... and succeeded in many ways, but sadly failed in others. They succeeded in that they imbued in me how wrong racism, classism, heterosexism, and such were... and should be fought. Sadly, being white themselves, the could not free me of the essential "whiteness" of my paradigm and values.

The most amazing example of this is that, when looking back on my life, I can remember EVERY person of color I became friends with (or pretty close to all), but I can't even begin to try to recall every white person whom I became friends with. In part this is because I had fewer people of color in my life, but I also paid much closer attention to those friendships than the ones with white people.

My first friend of color I met in pre-school... Happy Hill in McLean Virginia. Matthew was an Asian american, not sure of what nation of origin (the question never came up, but I think Vietnamese). I loved going over to play because his house smelled so different from all my other friends' homes. It was spicy, not florally or piney. Though in my brain I recognized that his eyes were different than mine, and his skin was more golden, the idea that we were of different races never entered my mind. He was just "my friend", and that was that.

My first black friend was in 2nd grade. His name was Francis, and he was the son of a high ranking official in the embassy of Zimbabwe in Germany. (I was living in Bonn at the time) He was sent to the American Embassy school, there were many diplomat children of various nations. He was a short, wiry kid with an athleticism I envied... every sport we played he was a marvel at. I was "good", but he was "amazing". His smile was a delight to behold because not only did his white teeth blaze within his dark skinned face, but his cheeks shined and his eyes glowed. I suspect he was my first boyhood crush... I don't remember having any sexual thoughts in 2nd grade, but I was definitely smitten.

I didn't acquire another friend of color until middle-school. Not that I didn't go to school with kids of color, but there were just so few and they weren't in my classes. She was black, and we stayed friends all through high school. I was the person she'd come to for, of all things, sex information/advice. She was a beautiful girl, and she had very pushy boyfriends over the years... I had to set her straight several times that "no, that won't prevent pregnancy or disease" when her BFs would try to convince her some technique or pattern of sexual activity would prevent such just as well as condoms. *sigh* She was one of my few female crushes during my adolescence.... but she wasn't into small, skinny white boys... not as boyfriend material... besty material? oh yes.

I had a black roommate my freshman year at Clemson... but then nada for any persons of color in my personal or professional life until I graduated from college.

My employment at Hallmark was probably the most regular interaction I'd ever had with people of color. Black, Asian, Hispanic, Indian, we had a fairly diverse crew working there. That was the first place where I encountered "racism" from the other side, where I had to prove myself to be "not racist" because the default belief by many of my colored fellow employees was that "all college educated whites are racist bastards". Only ran face first into that only a few times, thank the Gods, but it blindsided me because up to that point I treated everyone the same (or at least thought I had) and it was very disturbing to be accused of something I really did try to fight against. Of course, if I had been an "active" anti-racist I would have worked with the ACLU or other organizations and my acquaintances of color would have been so numerous that like with my white acquaintances it would have been impossible for me to "remember them all so clearly". Being a complacent "non-racist" just meant that I was not-involved in racism directly -- I just did so through passivity.

I thought of myself as "color blind"... that the color of someone's skin was meaningless... I just dealt with the person as they presented themselves, by their accomplishments and actions. Or so I told myself -- and for the most part I think I succeeded... and I called that "not being a racist", because to me, to "notice race" was to be racist. I missed the fact that by "erasing the race" of the people I met I was doing violence upon them... because they had to be "something", and if I didn't see a person as black or Asian or Hispanic... what did I see them as. Well of course, I saw them as WHITE. I expected them to think white, behave white, be white... just as I didn't see the color of their skin, I also didn't see the differences that skin color had in their lives... how their experience was different from mine due to that difference in dermal coloring. I did not acknowledge that they didn't have the privileges that I had in society.

"We're all the same" is the rallying call of white, educated liberals! In this we think we're being inclusive. In this we think we are being better people. In this we think we are beyond racism. We are hopelessly deluded! We are NOT all the SAME. We -should be-, maybe, we should certainly be all equal in rights and privileges, but should "sameness" be the goal when we reach for equality? And WHO will be the normalizing center of our "sameness"? Well, of course, it would be Whiteness... naturally... or at least that is the default assumption in the not-racist, white liberal's mind. Completely missing the fact that by making whiteness "normal"... the "goal"... the "standard" by which we measure everyone... we're being RACIST.

How do I overcome this paradigm of whiteness in which I live? Denying my whiteness is absurd. There is nothing intrinsically -wrong- with being a white man... the wrongness is the essential privilege that whiteness provides me in our society that is not part of the blackness or brownness or redness or yellowness experience. My default is to believe my words will be heard, that I won't be assumed guilty, that my opinion matters, that I can bring about change, that I will be assumed to be able to grow and be more and be great. Yet that is not the default for people of color in our society. That is not their experience with the police, at the bank, at the store, in school...

How do I try to live a non-racist life... one where I not only value everyone as equal, but also affirm their uniqueness and diversity? Is it even possible? Or is the very reality of my world view that I can never actually do that? Can I actively try to be non-racist, yet never actually achieve it? I don't know.

I know I can be a good person and still be blinded by the essential whiteness of my reality. I am trying to take off the white blinders.... please don't think less of me if I'm finding that a lot easier said than done.

The Privilege Pie

Where is the disconnect between the belief in inalienable human rights and the conservative mind set? Even conservatives who are not Trump supporters seem to feel that there should be some "limit" to the rights other people have. Now, certainly, I agree that people shouldn't be allowed to do "anything they want to" without some restraints... but my ideas of limits fall under the "golden rule"... do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

So, yes, I don't believe someone should be allowed to deny services to "some"... due to creed or race or orientation or identity. Whether you're a man or woman, child or ancient, white or colored, straight or queer, CIS or not, you should receive the same services, the same respect, the same consideration, the same opportunities, the same support as anyone else. Where do we draw that line? Some people will say "get real, is it really important that a florist refused to sell a gay couple flowers?" Now, interestingly, the moment we change the words to "is it really important that a florist refused to sell a black couple flowers," or a mixed race couple, or a jewish couple, or a STRAIGHT WHITE CHRISTIAN COUPLE, the people who don't think "it's a big deal" become more and more uncomfortable. Certainly, "flowers" aren't an essential need... but really, if the courts were to up-hold that a business/service provider can deny to serve people due to some bias (religious, usually), how far is it from an anti-gay florist saying "no" to a doctor saying "no" or a policeman to say "no"?

As I see it, there are three factors that disconnect the conservative mind set from the belief in inalienable human rights. The first is an ingrained fear of "lack". The conservative mindset is all about restraint, limit, lack. It is the belief that there isn't enough of "whatever" to go around, so we have to ration "it" out (whatever "it" is). When we're talking about something that IS a finite resource, such as power, or fuel, or food, then trying to be sure that there is "enough" for everyone by limiting "how much" individuals can claim/horde, is a reasonable policy. But they don't stop with "physical" resources... the fear of "lack" is so ingrained that they believe everything is a limited commodity... love, compassion, peace, hope, privilege, rights... as such, by extending the rights one group has to another MUST mean that some of that privileged group's "rights" will be diminished. No one wants to lose what they have, so that fear of loss makes the conservatives irrational about holding onto "privilege" as a "right"... it is their RIGHT to have something others don't. Don't take away their rights, damn it! (You can pry it from my cold, dead fingers!)

The second factor set is that conservatives really do believe that there are some people who are more deserving than others. They believe their beliefs are "right" and all other beliefs are "wrong". It is an absolute all or nothing mentality, similar to the fear of lack. In the conservative mind, to admit a belief was wrong is a domino effect... you give ground on ONE value, it leads to the loss of ALL. It is the belief that to question, to explore, to try the new, to turn away from tradition, to allow for doubt will destroy their world. Does a conservative parent REALLY believe, deep down, that a trans-gendered person will molest their child in the bathroom? No, of course not. What they FEAR is that if their children see trans-gendered people as "normal", as "acceptable", as "okay", then their kids are more likely to be willing to question their own identities. What conservatives fear is that by normalizing the unusual, that by "un-othering" the "other", their children will become "other" to them. The sad thing is, their children will be what they are, either openly or closeted, regardless of whether they meet that trans-gendered, pagan, queer, person. They will simply either live their lives feeling that who they are is wrong, and try to hide it behind an acceptable front, or they will break from the restriction of expectations so violently that they damage themselves and their families in the explosion. In a world where there is only "one right" way of being, only one "right path", only one "right religion", it is anathema to be "other" than that one "right" thing. It is that fear of of "being other" that separates the conservative mind from the idea of inalienable human rights. In fact, the term inalienable is "can not be other than".

The third factor is the issue of "default" thinking. If you are a member of the majority, you don't have to "think" about your status in society... by "default" you are the norm, and when you're the norm you have no need to compare yourself and your situation to another's. The typical conservative falls into the default category, and so they haven't had to reflect on what is it to be christian, what is it to be white, what is it to be male, what it is to be straight. Yes, I know, there are conservatives who are not male, or white, or straight, but the majority of conservatives are. Think of your computer, tablet, or phone OS... the typical user finds the interface adequate at its default setting... default notifications, default text size, default graphics, default icons... most operating systems come with a certain amount of customization, allowing people to tailor their user interfaces to work for them better or are more compatible with their lifestyles. It is only when "the system" doesn't work for you that you start looking at the "options"... and that is the same for the laws in our society... as long as we get what we expect out of society, we don't question the laws... it is only when we are denied something others have that we question the "defaults" of our society.

So with a paradigm that is based upon lack, an absolute conviction of "right", and a lack of self-analysis... is it really very surprising that the typical conservative mind-set simply can not bridge the gap to inalienable rights?

Normally, I'd just feel sad for them... unfortunately, they are in the ascendant position politically... which means their limited view of reality is becoming a prison to mine. That's unacceptable. I will not be silent, nor stand by... I shall resist!

Activism Virginity Lost

It may not be obvious, but I'm the member of a few of minorities. To anyone who meets me in everyday life, the odds are they will simply see an overweight, middle aged white man who dresses in a style best described as quirky-frumpled. They might assume I'm a married heterosexual male if they notice my wedding ring or see me with my wife. Living in the South, they would likely assume I'm a christian. I doubt there would be any consensus of what my profession was just by looking at me... academics don't have a standard uniform.


If they were to strike up a casual conversation while we stand in line at the local store, after admiring (and probably petting without permission) my wife's service animal, they would likely ask the ubiquitous "where do you go to church," the answer to which might inform them we aren't members of the local majority faith, but most Christians aren't aware that Unitarian Universalism isn't a Christian Religion. Most don't notice the silver knotwork pentacle ring on my right hand, or recognize what it symbolizes if they do.

Unless I'm in an expansive mood, most people don't realize anything of my sexual orientation, gender identity, spirituality, or political leanings. I'm seemingly so very average and unremarkable... at least until I let my attitude show. I haven't been in the closet, whether the water closet or the broom closet, since my teens. I don't wear a sign identifying me as a "liberal, intellectual, bisexual, pagan," but I don't hide who and what I am either. Historically, I believed that unless you are a potential political ally, academic peer, intimate partner, or spiritual soulmate, none of that information is any of your damn business. However, in the wake of the 2016 Elections my attitude about putting my political, professional, sexual and spiritual identity out on display has changed. For many people, fear of the new political and social climate will drive them back into their closets. For me, it has made me realize the "tunnel" through monotheistic, misogynistic, racist, hetero-normative bigotry to diversity equality is a lot longer and darker than I'd realized. As a recent meme I saw floating about my social media feeds proclaimed, "I got tired waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, so I'm lighting this bitch up!"

With the support and encouragement of my wife we've joined the ACLU and become involved in local, grassroots efforts for social justice. I am involving myself more in the Clemson Alumni for Equality (CASE) and Clemson University Sexuality & Gender Alliance (CU SAGA). We walked in the Tri-County Women's March in Clemson and attended our first meeting of the ACLU of South Carolina this month.

I never wanted to make an issue of my spiritual beliefs, my gender identity, my sexual orientation, or any of the rest of it. I just wanted to be treated with respect, and feel secure that my rights as a human being would be honored and protected. But that isn't the world I live in... it really never was, but like many centrist-liberals and non-obvious minorities I lived with blinders on. Those blinders were ripped off by the political train-wreck we called the United States Presidential Election of 2016. I worry that "they will come for us," or our friends... the "they" are the people who support bigotry and hate who have now been validated and empowered by the rhetoric of fear and hate that was used so effectively by the GOP candidate (now the President of the United States). But I refuse to let the very real possibility that my fears may become reality to paralyze me, steal my voice, and deprive me of my rights. So I will speak out. I will act out. I will live OUT.

Even if I were inclined to return to it, I've outgrown my closet... in fact, I'm looking through it to see what else I can pull out of it next!

Finding my Voice

The time for complacency is over. It is time for all of us to be proud, loud, and involved! I've been known to get up on my soap box for things I'm passionate about. Now I'm joining the eVoices calling for social justice, human rights, environmental justice, and compassion for all living things. If we stack all our soap boxes together we can build a fortress from which we can fight back against the rise of fascism, racism, misogyny, elitism, hetero-normatism, religious extremism, and all the hate, bigotry and irrationality that pervades our society. If we remain silent, we give our power to THEM. I won't be silent... not anymore.